Autumn in Cora
The Good - London Tour
Kensington in Autumn
Hello lovers, I realise I haven’t come above deck for a little while so I thought I’d pen a little early autumnal blog. I’m loving seeing the trees crisp to rust colours and the autumn/halloween aesthetic find its way into rinky-dink shop windows. It’s my favourite time of year; a sentiment that I think correlates with the lusts of avid hot drink quaffers, book readers and ‘thoughtful quiet’ types. I’m also going to back in the capital from the 16th to the 19th, to Victoriana Kensington. I’m going to visit the science museum, kick leaves up in the park and maybe treat myself in the nearest Agent Provocateur, because I’ve been irredeemably frugal of late. Like, I’ve started buying TOFU instead of chicken. So, I deserve a treat. And should you email me, I’ll share mine with you. And by that I don’t mean the tofu.
The Bad - Ab fab
Edina and Patsy of Ab Fab
This week I have been binge watching Jennifer Saunders’ iconic Absolutely Fabulous, and, as well recalled, the first two seasons are brilliant; funny, acerbic, a good, solidly performed satirical look at early 1990s upper middle class ‘Bohemia’. But after the third season, which is ‘OK’, the latter seasons seem primarily predicated on hammy screeching in madcap fashions. This is no reflection on the talents of the writers and actors - Joanna Lumley as Patsy is one of my most cherished comedy creations. But comedy often seems to struggle to sustain itself after 2-3 seasons and either gets increasingly batty, or survives its early brilliance but mellowing into ‘amusing but tender’ comedy drama territory. Still, I continue to plow through the later seasons with a cup of Lady Grey and the dedication of a violinist going down with an elegant ship. Chin chin.
The Ugly - Sex Work Stigma
I like polls, surveys, social research. I’m a dork. So, recently I was perusing the YouGov website looking at recent surveys it had conducted on sexual attitudes in Britain, and a study on escorting and other forms of sex work came in to my focus. It made for dispiriting reading, detailing in hard numbers the scope of stigma that exists for sex workers, from escorts/companions, porn performers, dancers and digital subscription models. I’m not an especially naive person. I know that people often have ignorant, simplistic, reactionary or even hostile views towards women who sell erotic intimacy, companionship and/or entertainment; I have certainly been on the raw end of it myself on multiple occasions. But the cold, hard numbers were galling.
On dating: 87% of Britons wouldn’t date someone currently working as an escort. Now, at first I was cavalier about this (albeit high) stat, because my initial assumption was that it was merely a reflection of the commonality of monogamy in the general populace. But then when I saw that 74% wouldn’t consider dating a former escort either, that implies at a deeper issue, which, I would infer, has at least something to do with people making a more general character judgement about us. The stereotypes around sex workers include that we are unreliable, morally absent, unintelligent, uncultured, unattractive, psychologically disturbed and taken to wild displays of obnoxious marriage slashing sluttery and tax-draining recidivism. You get the drill.
Perhaps our tremendous vacancy of mind, dangerous putrefaction of body and ignobility of spirit is also what leaves 40% of people to say that they’d be unwilling to even be friends with a former escort. Shit man, who the fuck even are these people? And what kind of gout-inducing feudal banquet are they dining at when they engage in such low-rent forms of naked prejudice? Apropos of nothing, I’ll put a middling stake on a high overlap between them and those people who keep Judge Rinder on the telly, and if so, good riddance.
Interestingly, of all the demographics studied, the group least likely to have an obvious stigmatised view of us are men who have paid for sex, 46% of which would be willing to date a former escort and 28% a current one. These are still minorities, but sizeably more significant than the general population. My inference would be that, at least in part, this is because men who have paid for sex have actually consciously and knowingly met some escorts and will have discovered that many of us are not all that dreadful. In fact, I have on a number of occasions heard clients say, to paraphrase, “I’ll be honest, I had some stereotypes about you girls, but since going on this transactional erotic odyssey, I’ve realised that a lot of escorts are just normal women.” Well, quite. And whilst some might perceive this sentiment as itself, a little insensitive, I think it’s not always easy to admit to previously held negative biases about ostracised social groups, and so, kudos.
It doesn't actually offend me all that much, the whorephobia, I’ll be honest. It’s kinda sad and silly that so many adults are still hulking about with such lobotomised views of female sexuality. But if folk want to hold up a whistle to dirty little dollmops like me, and call ‘no entry’ into their personal life, I’ll do myself the most trifling little favour in the world and buy them the whistle.
I’m lucky. I am a natural introvert and more ‘object/hobby/interest’ focused than socially focused, and have a small, select number of friends, both in and out of the industry who don’t subject me to awful stereotypes and who I feel I can trust. And on dating; it would’ve hurt me in the past to think about how hard it would be - even if I gave up being an escort/companion - to find meaningful romantic relationships, but I think a lot of that desire to ‘find love’ was youthful yearning and magical thinking, not a real need for an actual permanent other muggle in my bed. Heaven forbid. I really enjoy the simplicity now of being ‘out’ of all of the that and I get a lot of sexual, and social gratification from good clients in a much cleaner more straightforward context than I ever did from years of lazy dates, emotionally unsatisfying relationships and unnecessarily confusing ‘love’ affairs.
But it’s the covert forms of prejudice that are the most insidious. Those who instead of straight up rejecting us, spot our social marginalisation as a cynical opportunity.
‘Romantically’, its a known phenomenon among escorts and porn performers that a certain kind of narcissistic, parasitical male will form manipulative relationships with sex workers in order to use them for sex, money, comfort and couchsurfing, whilst feigning love, desire, affection and friendship. It is a pretty pernicious hobby, and though it is not isolated to sex workers, we can be considered especially ‘acceptable’ targets for this from entitled gutter dwellers who feel owed to the spoils of others. Indeed, the seeming commonality of this happenstance leaves many sex workers to avoid dating altogether and to savour the straight forward relationships we can have with good clients. Oh, and the parasite is not always the obvious fist wielding, outlaw pimp figure as might be imagined; he comes in many forms.
And platonically? I’ve had a number of experiences with ‘friends’ who’ve acted all cool about my profession, but have let it slip further down the road that they ‘don’t agree with it’ once they’ve gotten their feet under my table. Out of nowhere and usually in the middle of disputes, often among a litany of other irrelevant indignations. Like “I’m annoyed you didn't come to my party even though you had scurvy and also its bad because you are a WHORE which is WRONG and also I think it was fair that you ex Archibald cheated on you because you are really difficult to live with and you’ve put on lots of WEIGHT.” That kind of thing. Indeed, I’ve also noticed a stark correlation between these pseudo-liberal types and other forms of twattery; victim blaming, skinny worshipping, passive aggression, fair-weathering, obsessive ‘ironic’ interest in popular culture. There is a pattern and a book in it somewhere. I’ve started to wonder if their ‘deal’ is that they like the idea of having a whore as friend - makes them feel edgy or something - but have the same underling antipathy as your standard small minded suburbanite.
Or maybe they just find being a twat hard to cope with, so they engage in performative non-twattery to keep the existential crisis they so dearly need, permanently at arms length. And for that they have my sympathy, but thankfully for us both, not my friendship.
